Narrative+Writing

Tweaking your drafts:

Strengthen your verbs. WALKED is weak. Use a verb that more specifically defines the walking: LOPED, STRODE, TIP-TOED, LUMBERED.

Vary your sentence structure. Scan each paragraph, looking for repeated opening phrases. Change some. Look to see that you don't have too many short or long sentences in a row. Combine a few to solve the "choppiness" problem.

Extend a few details to add interest for your audience. HOWEVER -- Do not just string along a bunch of adjectives! NOT: a big, huge, sparkly diamond INSTEAD: a diamond the size of a walnut, or a diamond glinting in the sunlight

No chiches. Sorry, but describing crying has been overdone, no matter how you do it. Just state that you were crying. No "Tears ran down my cheeks, dropping into a pool on the floor." Other cliches to be wary of: overdone similes (hungry as a horse) or any emotion or facial expression using overused descriptions (steam coming out his ears; smiling ear to ear)

Sample essay by Ms. H.